i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.
He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
I haven't found him passed out in the living room covered in noodles for a while now so I guess he's getting better with the drinking.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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