so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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