it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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