There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Randomize
