We were both sleeping and she woke up and just puked i feel so bad for everyone around us
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
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