i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
This chick walked up to me in the bar and started making out with me, then grabbed my drink while I wasn't looking and walked off.
Success! We fucked roommates!
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