You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Saw a thong on the yellow lines of the street when I left this morning, are they yours by any chance?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
