What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.
he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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