The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
My glasses are somewhere in your living room. Also, my underwear might be in your bathroom or on or around your porch. Sorry.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
woke up holding a soft boiled egg cup and empty bottle of rum. apparently i couldn't find a shot glass
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
