Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
