I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
