dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Randomize
