I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Randomize
