GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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