This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
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