eating mexican with the mother in law. this meal made her decide to tell us about her colon cleansing diet
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I farted in the parking garage and it echoed.
Randomize
