At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
i think i have two assholes
no you cant smoke seaweed
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I didn't want to hook up with him so I just jumped out of bed, yelled "I don't even believe in god!" and ran out of the room
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
Randomize
