If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
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