tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
My heart wants him and my vagina wants him...to have a bigger dick.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
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