Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I don't deserve a penis
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
