You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
