you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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