her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
the amount I squirted last night was insane. Im glad i ignored tlc's advice, i went chasing waterfalls and loved every god damn minute of it.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Randomize
