If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
how come you came home with "Amanda owns this" written on your forhead
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
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