paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
