He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
no, she just came home, mumbled about being a gerbil out of water then ate half cooked chicken nuggets.. normal night
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
