I think I won the penis lottery.
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
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