It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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