We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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