What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Maybe she gives good head
A girl who still calls a dick a "wiener"cannot possibly give good head
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
We did lines off of a Whitney Houston CD case. That makes everything okay.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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