halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
she walked in on me throwing up in the sink with my pants around my ankles and I said "i'll be with you in a sec"
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
I am naked and annoyed.
Randomize
