he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
