ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
