If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
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