Swine flu. Run for my life!
So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
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