There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
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