Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
she added me on facebook and her celebrity doppelganger is rosie odonnel. FUCK
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Randomize
