Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
this crazy girl in up in Dennys is going crazy because Bob Saget just texted her.
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
I may have unintentionally punched your cat twice but he's an asshole anyway.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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