The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Randomize
