tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
