woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
You need a sexual gate keeper
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
My vagina: 1 Male stubborness: 0
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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