The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
What do you do when you legitimately find a hidden sex dungeon in your parents basement next to your bedroom!!?
Randomize
