i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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