and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
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