i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
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