i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
