How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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