dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Randomize
