apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
I deleted all traces of him from my phone
even the dick picks he sent you?
no are you nuts? saved that shit to my camera roll
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
