I wish I could teleport
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
