I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
I'm so glad I can be everyone's guide to the world of fucked up kinks
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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